Why? Well it's partly because things tend to work in ways I'm not used to, but mainly because my hearing's all messed up. If there's a lot of noise in the background, say radio, chatter, cars going by, that sort of stuff, I can't hear jack. And this leads to plenty of embarrassing situations. It doesn't even matter if it's a (supposedly simple and straight-forward) fast food joint. Like today when I went to Tim Hortons. Of course the radio's on (loud!), it's 16:15, the place is packed and people are chatting away like no tomorrow, so my gut reaction is pretty much to flee. However, I needed to grab a quick bite before my movie-marathon, so I decided to stay, knowing full well that getting out of there with a meal and my sanity was pretty much Mission: Impossible 4. Here's more or less how it went:
Guy at Tim Hortons: "Mumble mumble!"
Me: "Bonjour, could I have the Ham and Swiss combo with a coffee and donut XYZ?"
(I think I may have stayed true to my Finnish roots at this point and forgot to say 'please', again. Thinking back this might actually explain a few things...)
Guy: "Mumble mumble mumble?"
Me: "Sorry?"
Guy: "Mumble mumble coffee mumble mumble that?"
Me: "... sorry, I couldn't hear you..."
Guy: "WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COFFEE WITH THAT?"
Me: "...uh... you mean like another cup of coffee? One cup's fine, thank you."
Guy:
Me: "... sorr-"
Guy: "Mumble mumble mumble mumble coffee mumble?"
Me: "... look I'm really sorry mate, but I-"
Guy: "MEDIUM COFFEE OK?"
Me: "Yeah medium's fine, thank you."
Guy: "Mumble mumble sugar mumble mumble?
Me: "Uh... yes please?"
Guy: "Mumble cream mumble mumble?"
Me: "Yeah, sure?"
Guy: (blank stare #2)
(Uncomfortably long pause here, I'm hoping I just said 'yes' to cream and sugar)
Guy: "Mumble mumble a donut mumble that?"
Me: "Yes, I'd like the donut XYZ please."
(BTW, why on earth do they keep asking me whether I want coffee/donuts when I clearly announced my desire to get coffee and a donut right at the beginning! And it's not just a fluke, it has happened to me like 3-4 times already. It's like it doesn't even matter what you order... you could go there and order a coffee, a newborn baby and a chainsaw and they'll ask if you'd like some coffee with that.)
Guy: "Is this mumble mumble?"
Me: "Yes, that's the one"
Guy: "Mumble mumble else?"
Me: "Err... no thanks, that's all."
Guy: "That'll be mumble mumble mumble."
(So I give him the money and he gives me the change. I haven't received any of the stuff I ordered yet.)
Guy: "Mumble mumble mumble."
Me: "Sorry?"
Guy: (blank stare #3, looooooooong)
(At this point I'm like 'God, kill me now...')
The guy stares at me, points toward the end of the counter. I say thanks, trying my best to hide my embarrassment while I move away from the counter. How was I supposed to know I needed to pick up the stuff elsewhere? What made the whole exchange even worse was the fact that there was a line behind me. I mean I could feel their eyes burrowing into the back of my skull, that's how much they loved me back there. I felt like just throwing my hands up in the air screaming "Look people, I am sorry, I truly am, but I just don't know how these things work AND I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING PEOPLE SAY TO ME!!!" In hindsight, I'm kinda glad I didn't.
When my order was ready, I didn't even try to listen to the mumbling of the girl. Since she is looking at me and saying something while holding a tray full of stuff looking more or less like my order, I figure it must be for me, so I grab it, thank her and quickly flee to the farthest corner of the place and hide from the angry mob that had formed behind me.
You know it's even worse when they happen to have a very thick French accent. I once went to Dagwood or Dagwoods or Dagwood's (honestly, the use of apostrophes here (or lack thereof) sometimes makes no sense whatsoever!), ordered a sub (or well that's what I thought I did, anyway) and the guy asks me "Mumble mumble you mumble joust?" Of course, not having the slightest idea of what he's saying I naturally launch my regular 'sorry?/pardon?/excuse me?' -assault, but he just keeps repeating the same sentence. And I'm like what?? Oh god I have no idea what this guy is telling me this is so embarrassing I've asked him to repeat what he said at least 6 times and he keeps repeating it over and over again and I don't get it help me please someone help me!!
I mean it was a sandwich place, not a medieval fair or anything; no horses, no lances, it just didn't make any sense for him to challenge me to a duel. Then the guy pointed at the bowls full of toppings in front of him and it finally dawned on me: "How would you like it dressed?" I blushed like a school girl. I asked him to just stuff everything in, hanging my head in shame.
I dunno what's wrong. I really should get my hearing checked, but it's always been fine. It's still fine as long as there isn't a lot of other noise. It's like I focus too much on the irrelevant stuff in the background and miss all the important bits. My dad's just like this too, maybe it's genetic? This is one of the few things Taina seems to get annoyed with when we're together. We're walking on the street, cars going by, and our conversation is like
Taina: "Should we warm up the sauna tonight?"
Me: "Yeah I read about it, it was pretty terrifying."
Taina: "... umm what?"
Anyway, I just needed to vent. Sorry! Truly I apologize. I know some of you have been desperate for more updates, you know who you are, and I'll try to post some pics tomorrow as I have a day off from wor*COUGH* Fantasia.
Also, REC 2 - the best horror movie I've seen in ages. Then again I never saw the first one.
Alas, a sad recounting of un-mentored forays into the unforgiving world of North American fast food eateries..... Allow me to present a brief guide for other travelers who may embark on such journeys.
VastaaPoistaYou must first understand the North American fast food business model - speed, speed, SPEED! This means higher number of orders per hour, faster product delivery, and quicker extraction of your cash from your pocket. This is completely contrary to a weary traveler’s desire for a relaxing acquisition of simple sustenance to be consumed at a leisurely pace.
Therefore this encounter between opposite forces has to be considered as a military confrontation of sorts (even for those with pacifist tendencies). And, any commander will tell you that intelligence is the key to winning most battles. So we begin with some of the information that should be gathered prior to firing your first salvo.
But, you must initially focus your mindset by realizing your opponent began this battle months ago. You were bombarded with incessant advertising campaigns (note the ‘military’ jargon). You are implicitly being invited to their place of business so you should ‘believe’ that as their guest, they are obligated to make your visit enjoyable. This implicit invitation is reinforced (another widely used military term) by the outward appearance of the eatery where battle will soon commence. If further suasion is required to steel your combative nerve, recognize that they have explicitly fired the first shots with gaudy sales posters in the eatery windows and discreetly hidden fans blowing enticing aromas into the public domain.
At the top of the list of intelligence gathering is understanding the foe’s usual offensive or defensive formations and strategies. There are several ways to configure the basic processes - order entry, order fulfillment, and order delivery - all at the same point or variations across several positions. You should enter the eatery and just stand out of the way of incoming customers while observing several things - where are the order points; what are the dispositions, efficiencies, and levels of expertise of each of the order clerks. Examine any posted menus near the order points to determine option sizes and discover whether there are any combinations of main, side, and beverage options available at a discounted price. Note their identifiers, e.g. Combo A, Combo B, Trio 1, Trio 2, etc. All of this is quite straightforward to eatery frequenters.
This overt observation of the staff, process, and menus has a beneficial secondary effect. Any newbie order-taker is now dreading your approach presuming you will be ordering something out of the ordinary for which he has been ill-prepared. Veteran order-takers, possibly sensing your maneuver, will be prepared to be extra attentive to your order to ensure rapid processing so the business model speed dictum isn’t thwarted.
Recognizing that most order staff become almost automatons over time, it is important to remember to order one item at a time as each has to be punched into the system singly. Saying “I’ll have a sandwich, fries, and a coffee please.” has the same effect on order entry as do speed bumps on an avenue. Deliver your order singly while watching the entry procedure for completion before offering the next item.
... continued in comment 2
.... continued from comment 1
VastaaPoistaArmed with your gathered information, you are prepared for two types of engagement - fast encounter or pleasurable exchange. The former requires choosing a combo package and the most efficient order-taker - “I’ll have a number 5 (pointing at the overhead menu item) with Coke please”, pay, and step aside ready to cast superior glances at any subsequent customer who was not as prepared as yourself.
The pleasurable exchange is more complex. It is born of either desire to spend as much time as possible with the order-taker with the haunting blue eyes or enchanting smile, or desire to get exactly what one wants with the minimum of difficulty. Fortunately both are served with the same opening salvo - “Puhutteko suomea?” (“Do you speak Finnish?”) If the answer is “Miksi kyllä, en puhu suomea.” (“Why yes, I do speak Finnish.”), your troubles are over and no further instruction is required from me.
But, if the reply is “Eh? What?” you have to adopt the ‘mime offence’. This requires you to smile sweetly and gesticulate wildly trying to describe that your hearing aid was accidentally flushed down the toilet or carried off by a giant spider’. This puts the order-taker on the defensive requiring him to help poor you become understood. By saying and pointing to particular overhead menu items individually you should be able to ensure each selection is ordered just as required. Only if Blue Eyes or Enchanting Smile are proving to have the desired effect on you should you consider slipping into truly mangled English to further the conversation.
There are other battleground considerations that I won’t expand on here, but merely provide a mention so the more practiced reader can enhance his sense of true victory. Obviously it is expected that you are aware of any monetary constraints you may have prior to engaging your foe. Timing of the reconnoiter step can be affected by open table availability or possible near-availability. The number of hands (or pockets) available for product transport at order delivery could limit order choices. And finally, the likelihood of future re-engagements at a given eatery may alter which tactics are first employed.
Wow, just wow. You just singlehandedly slaughtered all my previous entries in terms of post length, and yours was 'just' a comment!
VastaaPoistaAlso, I now have a new goal: before I leave Canada, I must become so proficient in dealing with fast food eatery staff that I'll be able to 'cast superior glances' at other customers. If I were able do that here, just imagine how I'd CRUSH Finnish customers, who, much like me now, are severely lacking the expertise department. They'd be utterly devastated, falling on the floor, weeping, sobbing, stunned by my prowess.
I'd be a god among men.